a note on healing

I wish I could tell you it was easy. I wish there was a Peace Fairy that could wipe away the anger and pain with a wave of her wand. She could sprinkle fairy dust on your hair and the peace you crave would seep into your soul. Doesn't that sound lovely? God knows my broken spirit and these tears would have soared to have that opportunity. Unfortunately, that is very rarely how the story unfolds. 

For me, the journey has been way much more difficult and consuming. And, in truth, I’m still in the middle of it so I’m not sure I have all the answers. For now, all I can tell you is that it is okay to be hurt. Your anger, frustration, and pain are all valid. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. But, in all their validity, you mustn't allow those feelings and emotions to dictate your life. You mustn't allow them to consume your existence. 

I reached the point where I could pray peace and blessings over those who hurt me only when I became tired of the burden of pain. Carrying the hurt, frustration, anger, shame, and guilt finally wore me down. I didn't feel like myself or look like myself and every day felt like an excruciating journey. I realized I wasn't living; I was just surviving. And life is far too precious for me to confine my entire existence into such a minimal place, ya know? I wanted to be happier. I deserved to be happier. And, so, after 3-4 years for me of hiding and barely living, I decided to take charge and change everything.

So I charge you with this: learn from my mistakes. Don’t waste weeks, months, years of your life being poisoned by the actions of others. Don’t let their foolishness entrap you and bring down your wholeness. You must force yourself to push past the pain so YOU can live well.

Wake up in the morning and say “Lord, please bless and bring peace of the life of ____ ____ today. Guide, protect, heal, and keep them. Be the source of their joy on this day.” When an ill thought creeps in your mind or when the hurt tries to sneak back in, immediately block it by saying “Creator, please be with ____ ____ in whatever they are doing right now. Bless them and keep them”. Some days the prayer will be easy and other days it will be the hardest thing to do. Some days that prayer will lift the cloud of negativity off your soul and allow you to dwell in perfect peace. And some days your lips and tongue will struggle to form the words. Or you'll say the words and you're soul will still feel as haggard as it was before; feelings of grief and hollowness drying up your soul.

send the prayers up anyway.

If there has been one thing I have learned on this path to wholeheartedness is that intentionality is what keeps you. I can’t guarantee you won’t feel the urge to punch them in the face when you see them. I can’t guarantee the sound/sight of their name won’t make you nauseous. I can't guarantee that a simple picture or text exchange won't send you deep sea diving into your feelings. But, what I am learning is that, the more I pray, the less hold these feelings have on me. My space is lighter, my mind is less anxious, and those persons/situations bother me less and less. Things aren't perfect but they're a lot better than they used to be. I now have confidence that the burdens will be fully lifted and I will be a better person because of this. And that is, truly, all I have ever wanted.

I've read some books along the way that I think, in part, helped me move along towards my tipping point. If you are interested, check out:

  • Harriet Lerner - Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
  • bell hooks - All About Love: New Visions 
  • BrenĂ© Brown - Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be a Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Parent, and Lead
  • Henry Cloud & John Townsend - Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life

I wish you good luck on your journey. Remember to always be deliberate and purposeful in your quest for peace. It won’t be easy but, if you’re courageous enough, it will bring you exactly where you need to be.

xo,
Jana-Lynn

originally posted here.
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