the need for pickyness (+ other things i'm not good at)

I.
a few months ago, B told me i choose the wrong ones after i inquired about his homeboy.
i actually chuckle at how diplomatic he was by not stating anything ill about his childhood friend
...but instead focusing in on the fact that i need a certain kind of man and, thus, have to be a bit wiser with who i allot my interests and attention to.

well, quite frankly, i didn't chuckle at the time because i didn't realize i was opening up my space to the wrong persons.

i was actually taken aback and got a bit defensive.

muttering through excuses:
how can i know if they're a bad decision if i don't know the person?
that's so judgmental!
i have to get to know them, right?
exchanging numbers isn't really that big of a deal.
i'm really just trying to be an equal opportunity dater..
should i just close myself off to everyone?
...its not my fault the bad apples seem to have an affinity for my lap.

and not much sooner had those words slipped out my mouth did i realize how absolutely right he was in his analysis.
and how wack of a bachelor party discussion this was.



looking back, there were situations that could have been avoided ….
emotion/time that would not have been wasted…
had i been more wiser with my selection.
no, i don't have to converse with every fella with straight teeth and a nice smile.
don;t be distracted by the body, jane.
i'm not obligated to accept what is offered.

am i dumbing myself down? and, if so, why?

its been 8 months since that conversation.
i have no answer to either question.
and now i don’t trust my judgement.



II.
asking me about my dating life must be the new black.
i can, literally, be discussing an impending thunderstorm and someone will find a way to inquire about the last time i went on a date.
or who i am texting.
and whether or not i'm putting my self out there enough.
and why not date any of the boys at church?
and what about you and that one fella? you two look like you would pair well. so many mutual interests!
and how about that other fella? didn't he like you? he was always just so attentive. what happened with that?
and do your friends know your dating? maybe they have someone to hook you up with.

the last time a friend tried to hook me up with someone, she sent a fella who had yellow teeth, drunken rage issues, and probable steroid use who self-identified as a Christian just because he hadn't found the nerve to tell his parents he didn't have much interest in their religion.

she and i aren't as close as we used to be.
i mean, some other shit went down to but... this hookup was slick the beginning of the end.
ok. it wasn't the beginning of the end but she and i truly aren't close anymore.
and i was genuinely offended by her selection.

because, to a certain extent, who you try to hook me up with is a direct reflection of what you think of me.
and if you think a God-less 'roid addict drunk is the one that would peak my interests then either you:

a. have NO clue who i am
or 
b. i have GOT to get my personal life in order because i am a shambled soul.

i'm going with a.
i, in no way, proclaim to be perfect but.....
God-less steroid addict drunk? seriously?
you think God-less steroid addict drunk is what you think i'm putting out into the universe?
you think yellow teeth is right up my alley?
seriously?

xo,
Jana-Lynn

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